Week 8 - 49 years 7 Weeks

Happy Monday!!!

It is with great enthusiasm that I share with you part 1 of a 3 part series here on The Edge of 50, entitled “Lessons for My Kids”. There is a possibility that there will be additional parts beyond these 3, but this is all I’m committing to right now.

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These are bits and bobs of things I’ve learned over the past 49+ years that have impacted how I live my life for the better. They are things that I hope my children carry with them long after I’m gone. These are things that I hope to share with my grandchildren someday. And so, I thought it only fitting to share them with you.

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There are 15 lessons, spread evenly over the next 3 weeks. If you’d like, read them through the lens of a mother speaking to her child. Or not. Either way I hope you find a nugget or 2 of wisdom to take with you. Or perhaps you’ll choose to share one of these with your own child.

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​1. Be decisive. Decide quickly. Back yourself, meaning don’t second guess your decisions. And be willing to pivot when it becomes necessary to do so. Notice I said “when it becomes necessary”. Start the decision making process with the understanding that you’re only deciding on the first step. At least one pivot, likely many, will be required. This takes a lot of pressure off of the decision you’re making. It assumes reconsideration will be required along the way, and sets you up to make a decision that doesn’t feel so “do or die”.

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No decision should feel like it holds the fate of your world because it absolutely does not. There’s always a Next Step. Make a choice knowing you’ll monitor the outcomes and pivot when necessary. This also helps quell disappointment and let down when your expectations aren’t immediately met. It will give you staying power to keep going on the path, keep expecting your desired outcome, knowing that the reason it hasn’t happened is because you aren’t finished pivoting yet.

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I don’t why we put so much pressure on every decision we make. Part of me honestly wants to blame the public school system, but I actually think public schools are more of a symptom than the root of the problem. But I digress. The truth is, you will make millions of decisions along the way. The more quickly and the more confidence with which you make them, the less mental load you will carry. The less stress you will feel. The less procrastinating you will do.

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Somehow, making decisions has become such an anxiety producing, overwhelming part of adulting that it has many of us paralyzed with the fear of doing the wrong thing. This is pure nonsense. Everything you decide can lead to something wonderful if you decide quickly and with confidence, and allow yourself to pivot.

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​2. Take the risk. Whenever you reach a crossroads and you have the option to play it safe or take a risk, always take the risk.

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Safety is the same as familiarity. There’s no growth in familiarity. There’s no excitement or adventure in familiarity. And playing it safe is a proven road to aging much faster than you need to. Playing it safe and sticking with the familiar leads to stagnation, boredom, depression, stiffness, and a life that makes you want to stab yourself in the eye. It may seem like a good idea at the time, and you’ll definitely make the mistake of playing it safe rather than taking the risk more than once in your life. But don’t make it too often, and don’t let it become a habit.

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Being ok in the uncertainty of life and taking risks is a muscle that you have to work. Jordan Peterson talks about doing dangerous things carefully. This is genius advice. The more you practice taking the risk, the easier it becomes to take it. And no matter what, you’ll always come out better than you started if you take the risk rather than playing it safe.

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None of us are getting out of here alive, and the world will keep turning long after you’re gone. Your loved ones will keep living and loving even as they mourn you. Don’t live a boring, familiar life on their account.

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​3. Don’t ask others to change so that you don’t have to. Throughout your life you will come across people who annoy you, frustrate you, disagree with you, and just plain seem to cause you grief. And you will find yourself wishing that they would change. You will also likely find yourself trying to make them change.

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You may be trying to teach them ways in which they can treat you better. Or perhaps you’re trying to help them understand why they’re wrong or misinformed. Maybe they’re too loud or too bossy or too unorganized for your taste. Maybe, they’re just a derelict and you don’t want them in your life, but also maybe they’re your kids’ dad and you can’t just ignore them entirely.

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In all cases, there’s something about this person that you need to be different in order for you to feel better. And I’m saying, No. Do not expect them to change. Do not ask them to change.

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For one thing, they don’t owe you a certain behavior just because you prefer it, even if they're your child. People who try to change in order to please others, end up being people pleasers who sacrifice their own happiness trying to be accepted by others. Not what you want for your kid, is it?

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When people try to change because someone else asked them to, or insisted they do, it can only lead to resentment. In addition, asking someone to change is a covert way to play the victim. Not to mention it’s a lost opportunity to gain some self awareness. When we’re annoyed, frustrated, angry, etc. with someone else, there’s something in it for us. It's a clear indicator that we have an expectation or belief that is creating resistance in our own life.

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When we allow the other person to be who they are, and be how they be, and we take full responsibility (not blame, there’s a huge difference!!) for making the changes that will allow us to feel better, we stand fully in our power. We truly accept others as they are. And we do not end up on the hamster wheel of “You always do this. You’ll never change.” - the relationship kiss of death.

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Because they might not actually ever change, but it’s not up to you if they do or don’t. You’re not the boss of them, even if they’re your kids. It’s up to you if you stay or go. It’s up to you if you look inward and figure out why you’re so triggered by their behavior. It’s up to you if you create a space where they can be themselves. It’s up to you if you model the practice of looking inward and doing the work, so those around you can see what it looks like. That’s the only way that people actually change.

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​4. Be willing to hear things about yourself that you don’t like. Use them as an opportunity for reflection and consideration. There will always be a nugget of truth in those things, and if you receive them with an open mind rather than getting defensive, you will find opportunities to grow and expand and show up in the world true to the kind of person you want to be.

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People will say things about you that you don’t like, things that you don’t want to hear. Some of these things may be true, some may not. Regardless, use the words you don’t want to hear as a catalyst for self awareness. Conduct a Trigger Autopsy, if you will, and determine if you’re upset about these things because you fear on some level they may be true. (This is almost always a Yes!) Now you’re in a position to work on that fear. To strengthen your confidence and belief in yourself. To double down on knowing who the fuck you are. To practice letting people say whatever stupid shit they want to say, and not being shaken by it.

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And if you autopsy the situation and determine it’s all nonsense, and the person who said the things you didn’t like is a genuine idiot who’s opinion of you means nothing - then what the fuck were you upset about in the first place?

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​5. Leave room for the magic. Don’t let your unmet expectations steal the inherent blessings and potential joy in the moment. I think we tend to automatically equate unmet expectations with disappointment. And I challenge that. Just because our expectations aren’t met, doesn't mean that disappointment in the situation is required or even appropriate.

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The universe is infinitely powerful and omniscient, and we must always leave room for the magic it can bring to us. This can mean looking past unmet expectations and understanding there’s more to come. You’re not finished creating yet. Hold the faith, sit tight, relax, and allow the universe to deliver what you created.

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It may not come in the way you planned it, and that’s ok. I promise you, letting the universe have its way with your creation, and allowing it to deliver what you desire in a way that you never could have planned, is so much more fucking fun!

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In that same vein, leaving room for the magic also means moving forward even when you can’t see the exact path that your creations will take to be realized. It means, prepare diligently. Have faith. And don’t get caught up in working out all the details preemptively.
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Have a plan, but know that there will be magic happening to fill in the gaps of your plan. Trust me on this. The universe is way more fun and exciting and capable of delivering what you desire than anything you could plan, no matter how detailed and fool proof it is.

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For the first 40+ years of my life, I spent most of it worried that I wasn’t getting it right. That I wasn't doing life right. That I couldn’t figure it out. I thought everything had to be taken so seriously in order for me to be a proper adult. I completely missed the fact that there’s nothing that serious happening. Literally nothing. And when I got out of my own way, and started leaving room for the magic, the magic showed up. It’s always there, we just need to leave room for it.

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Blessings and beach days forever,

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Katie