Week 11 - 49 years 2 months 2 weeks

The past 2 months have been a whirlwind of unexpected events. There have been so many times that I’ve wanted to get under my covers and shut out the world. There have been decisions that I needed to make, which felt so overwhelming and impossible, and created so much anxiety in my body that I began to question all the growth I thought I’d made over the past several years. 

There was this recurring sensation every time something new came up, that my stomach was trying to swallow my heart and my body was quaking from the inside out. The more I acknowledged that I needed to make a decision, the more incapable I felt to make one. The more I wanted to sit on my couch, alone in my home, and binge watch Spanish tv shows or Gilmore Girls until I  could pretend I was part of the show and no longer living my own life anymore. 

It’s my go-to way to manage overwhelm. I escape into a series on Netflix or Amazon Prime Video, until I’m completely invested in the characters and the story, in an attempt to divest from my own life. It’s a coping mechanism I have felt incredible shame over in the past, and to a degree I still do.

I share this with you because shame needs secrecy to survive. By sharing my “dirty little secret” I release some of the shame. And, I want you to know that if you have a coping mechanism you’re ashamed of, you’re not alone. We ALL do. It’s ok to begin to release the shame. You can start by telling someone.

Ok, back to your regularly scheduled blog post…

I kept asking myself - with everything I know, with all the belief I have about my personal power and ability to handle anything, why the fuck am I struggling to make decisions? Why does this feel so hard?

For a bit of context, there was a situation that occurred with my car. It brought to light some things that needed work, both pertaining to my 15 year old Nissan Rogue named ‘Black Pearl’, and to my own mindset. In a very direct way, there was a desire I had for myself that I was resisting allowing to come to fruition. I had some shit I needed to work on, which I knew I needed to work on, and I wanted to work on, but I wasn’t allowing myself to really get to the pith of it. So I unintentionally manifested for myself a fat, juicy, opportunity to dive head first into the work because no other options were available to me; both my car shit and my mindset shit. 

The universe really will force our hand when we want something but resist allowing it. It’s not a test. It’s us getting exactly what we want the hard way. On this, I am a fucking expert!

So there I was, getting the opportunity to allow what I wanted for myself, but having to work through the gunky mindset I had built up in order to be able to receive and experience what I wanted.  

Everytime I felt angst over a decision and wanted to take up residency in the small Connecticut town of Stars Hollow ala Gilmore Girls, I then not only had to make the decision that I faced, but I also had to decide if I would succumb to escapism and park my ass on the couch for a day… or more [insert cringe face]. This whole process is exhausting. The mental load is outrageous. 

But this time, for the first time ever, I could see my situation from the outside. I was distinctly aware that I was squared up with the very circumstances that I needed to navigate in order to flush the gunky limiting beliefs from my mindset. I was face to face with situations that, depending on the way I chose to proceed, would either allow me to be the woman I claim I want to be, or allow me to remain comfortably in the familiarity of the woman I have outgrown.

I knew what I wanted to choose for myself. I knew that I wanted the growth my circumstances were offering me. I knew choosing that growth was going to be uncomfortable and a little scary. I knew it would feel like maybe I was doing the wrong thing. I knew the voices of my past would come up and challenge me. I knew they were coming; the echoes in my mind that told me I was too idealistic, self centered, a snob, and irresponsible. The ones that filled me with shame and the belief that I would never be good enough. The ones that handed me a free All-Access pass to my couch and a Netflix binge session. 

And come they did. Over and over. Relentlessly. But for the first time, I was able to see them as they came. I was able to recognize them for what they are; opportunities to choose differently than I’ve chosen in the past. Opportunities to sit with the discomfort of something new and not get scared off. Opportunities to show up in my own life the way I truly want to - with confidence and self assurance, with compassion for myself, with permission to figure things out as I go and do what feels right to me rather than what I think others will think is right, and with the grace to do it at my own pace. 

I was actually able to allow myself to navigate this situation a little at a time, slow and steady, as they say. I did it without judging myself for procrastinating, feeling anxious, or needing to shut down for a time. I escaped to my couch when I needed to without guilt or shame because I knew that I was doing it with the intention of fortifying my resolve to choose what I want for myself. And when it came time to take action, I acted. I took it with feelings of fear, discomfort, trepidation, hesitation, and anxiousness, but I fucking took it. 

I had to remind myself constantly that I felt uncomfortable because I was in the middle of a growth opportunity, and that that was no reason to get scared and turn back. And when the discomfort got to be almost too much, I gave myself full permission to hunker down with a comfy blanket, a bowl of Chex Mix, and my tv, and leave the decision making and action taking for the next day when I had a full cup again. 

I gave myself permission to ignore the echoing voices of the past, and listen to my own soul. To trust myself to decide correctly, pivot as needed, and believe that just as the universe had given me this opportunity in the form of an “obstacle”, it would also have my back as I ventured into the unknown. I trusted that no matter how my decisions and actions played out, I would be ok and I would figure out the next step. I trusted that it was all happening in the interest of my growth and my ability to become who I choose to be. 

And I didn't do it alone. I swallowed my pride and asked for help. I got help from my kids. I got help from my sweet friend who lives nearby. I got unwavering encouragement from my best friend, and tough love and guidance from my therapist. I asked for what I needed and people showed up for me. Isn't that how it always should be?

I have very big dreams for myself over the next half of my life. I have plans to create things that are far bigger and more complex than anything I’ve ever done before. And I realize that in 15 years when many of my current dreams have come to fruition, and new, even bigger dreams have begun to hatch, making the decisions and taking the actions that I’ve had to take over the last 2 months will be par for the course. They will feel simple and obvious and matter of fact. But without the opportunity to practice making those decisions these last few weeks, I could never get to the point where I can navigate that stuff with ease.

Think about it this way, how can I expect myself to make a decision about how much to spend on a Salt Water & Soul Fire Retreat Center in Spain in the next 10 years if I can’t get myself to make a decision about whether or not to spend my money on a rental car while mine is out of commission? 

I know you have a situation like this in your life right now, too. You want something, and you can’t understand why it’s not coming to you. And every couple of weeks or months you find yourself in a situation that feels like “same shit, different day” and “why does this keep happening to me?” on repeat. What you’re not seeing is that the repeating situation is actually the first step to getting what you want. But since you keep choosing the familiar path, you keep getting the familiar results. And the opportunity to choose differently keeps coming back around because it’s what you say you want, and you’re ready for it, and the universe is poised to deliver it to you.

We have to be beginners before we are experts. Before I can bring my big dreams to life, I need to be the woman who lives in alignment with those big dreams. I need to be the woman who thinks and acts according to those big dreams without a second thought. And how do I become her? Same way everyone becomes an expert at anything: practice. I have to practice thinking the thoughts, making the decisions, and taking the actions uncomfortably, awkwardly, hesitantly, and messily until they become familiar. 

I don’t know if you have big dreams for the rest of your life. I don’t know if you have fears and hesitations and voices from the past that make those dreams seem far away or impossible. But if you do, please remember that it’s ok to begin before you’re ready. In fact, the only way to become ready is to begin. 

Blessings & Beach Days Forever,

Katie