Week 13 - 49 years 3 months

Coming off of last week's post, I thought I’d change direction a little and talk about menopause, perimenopause, and how our bodies and health change so much as we live through this incredible transformation. 

But I’ve had a bee in my bonnet since last week, and I really want to piggyback on what I wrote about. I honestly think that if we can begin to grasp this concept, and begin to attempt to put it into practice in our lives, we can have a much lighter, more joyful experience on a daily basis. 

The concept is this: there is no such thing as right and wrong. 

It flows effortlessly from the conversation about blame and responsibility, doesn’t it? Well, I think it does, anyway. Here’s what I mean. If you intentionally decide to take responsibility for what comes next in your life rather than blaming someone or some circumstance, you stay in your personal power.

The same is true when you intentionally decide that no one is right and no one is wrong, in any given situation. Or better yet, Intentionally decide that both people are right. Both beliefs are right. Both practices are right. Or in whatever else you’re grappling with, it’s ALL right. At the very least, let it not matter who’s right or wrong.

“But, but, but, but…” I can hear it already. “But Katie… some things are just wrong. You can’t possibly be expecting me to condone things like murder, rape, and the recent SCOTUS decisions. That’s barbaric!” I can see you squirming through your phone screen… Just kidding. I can’t see you, but I can imagine it! And before you come unhinged, at least hear me out.

I want to begin by asking you to put things in perspective, just a little. This is a personal blog, about personal relationships, including the unique relationship we have with ourselves as women approaching or having passed the edge of 50 years old. I have one overarching mission in my life, and that is to see as many women winning at life as possible. And by ‘winning’ I mean joyful, confident, and living out their dreams. I believe that when we are ‘winning’ in our personal life, we are in a much more powerful position to affect change in our community and globally. In other words, fixing the fucked up shit that happens in this word begins at the personal level, and ripples outward. 

I could share my beliefs about why bad, painful, fucked up shit happens in our lives and in our world. I’ve spent years of my life coming to terms with various forms of life’s bullshit; trying to make it make sense. And in many ways, I have succeeded. I have solid beliefs that help me understand why bad things happen to good people. And I’m not going to get into them in this post. That conversation is very nuanced and personal, and too much can be lost in the translation from thoughts and beliefs in my heart, to words on the page. 

Suffice it to say that I believe people are good. I believe ALL people are good, inherently. And I believe that personal and collective life experiences bring us to make choices that feel like the only way to get our needs met in the moment we make them. That does not excuse any one from taking responsibility for their choices. It does not justify choices that have a negative impact on others. It certainly does not mean that sometimes there’s no other choice. There’s always a choice. We may not see it, but it’s always there. However, it does serve to help us understand that we don't need others to be wrong in order for us to feel right. 

My mother used to say “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” I didn’t care for it when she said that because she was usually scolding me for retaliating against my little sister. But she was right. Just because someone does something shitty to you, does not mean you should be shitty back or even need them to be held accountable for what they did. Much more often than not, the person doing the shitty things is so hurt, bruised, confused, and scared deep down, that they can’t see any other choices. Or maybe, as was the case with my little sister, they just don’t have the life experience yet to know better. And as I’ve said before, punishment isn’t going to teach them. But compassion might. Kindness might. Taking the high road could be an example of another way to be that the perpetrator has never before seen. Imagine being the one who shows somebody an example of a different way to do life, and inspiring them to make changes for the better.

Anyway, I’m off on a tangent and today I have a different agenda. Today, I want to give you an alternative to the angst and betrayal and hurt that is so easy to get lost in when we feel like someone has done something wrong, especially when we feel the wrong-doing was intentionally directed at us. 

And if you know me, you know I DO NOT believe in coincidences, so the fact that my dear friend has come to me with an opportunity to explore this topic over the past week, and my daughter has come to me with an opportunity to explore it as well, tells me that this is an important topic to talk about. In addition, just today another friend sent me a text with a quote from Abraham Hicks on exactly this topic. I do love how the universe is always conspiring in my favor!! Here’s the quote:

“There is a big mix out there, and there’s lots of different things going on, and there is not one way that was intended to be the right way. Just like there’s not one color or one flower or one vegetable or one fingerprint. There is not one that is to be the right one over all others. The variety is what fosters the creativity. And so you say, “Okay, I accept that there’s lots of variety, but I don’t like to eat cucumbers.” Don’t eat cucumbers. But don’t ask them to be eliminated and don’t condemn those who eat them. Don’t stand on corners waving signs trying to outlaw the things that you don’t like. Don’t ruin your life by pushing against. Instead, say, “I choose this instead. This does please me.”      ~Abraham Hicks; Excerpted from Rye, NY on 10/12/97

There are people in this world, in your life right now as I type, who no matter what you do for them or how much you give, will always want more. They will push your limits and ask for what they want, each time asking for a little more and a little more. And they are not wrong. Nor should they be made to feel that they are asking too much. It is not their job to be satisfied with what you have given them.

It’s human nature to want to expand into new things, to grow, explore, experience, and get our needs met in the most straightforward and simplest way possible. So if you’re providing services, support, assistance, guidance, money, whatever, to someone else and they’re able to access those resources you’re providing with little to requirements, it’s natural that they would keep returning to you to have their needs met. 

Think about the first time you shopped at Target or TJ Maxx or whatever go-to store is. You walked in, saw the merchandise, saw the prices, and decided you would definitely be back. Now it’s your most frequently shopped at store. And you might even say you love it, right? 

Now imagine that, all of a sudden, the next you go there the manager sees you walk through the door and stops you. They say, “Are you really here again? You’ve shopped here 1,000 times over the last 15  years. We’ve given you quality merchandise, sales, great prices, a clean store, and easy returns at customer service. We even put in a Starbucks so you can caffeinate, and you’re still coming back for more?? How can you have the audacity to come back for more? What is wrong with you? Haven't you gotten enough from us?”

How confused would you feel? How indignant would you be? You were just going to the place where you could get the most bang for your buck. You thought they wanted you to shop there. No one ever told you there was a limit to how much you could buy, or how much you could go there. If you’re only allowed 999 shopping trips to Targtet, they really should fucking tell you about the limit ahead of time. They should help you keep track so you know when you’re getting close to the limit, at least. 

But of course, Target and TJ Maxx want you to shop there. They are getting a big pay off everytime you go there. If you went there, however, and were stealing hundreds of dollars worth of stuff every time, eventually they would stop you. They would draw the line in the sand, and say No More! They would establish and enforce the boundaries. 

What they would not do is allow you to keep stealing from them while they sit with arms folded behind the customer service desk watching you, whispering about how ungrateful and rude you are without ever actually doing something about it. 

Yet people do this to each other constantly. I’ve done it. You’ve probably done it. We fail to establish and protect our own boundaries, and then we get mad and call people bad and wrong and selfish and rude for not honoring those boundaries which WE failed to establish and enforce. 

Is it pleasing to encounter people who understand and honor our boundaries without us having to say or do very much? Certainly it is! And when that happens, appreciate the shit out of it! But do not get mad at someone for not knowing or honoring your boundaries because you don’t want to do the uncomfortable work of owning and enforcing them. 

So wait, is this post about Boundaries, or right and wrong? Fair question, and the answer is, clearly that last example used boundaries to illustrate. That said, the overarching point is that while we may want to decide someone is wrong, rude, unappreciative, etc., the more effective path is to first look at ourselves. 

When you’re upset with someone else, for whatever reason, especially if you feel like they’ve taken advantage of you, slighted you, disrespected you, don’t appreciate you, or the like, begin by asking this one simple (not easy) question:

How am I contributing to my own unhappiness in this situation? What role am I playing? Where am I refusing to acknowledge my personal power? 

I guarantee you, 100%, always and in all ways: your thoughts, beliefs, or actions, are making things way worse than they need to be. 

That is a hill I will die on. 

I don’t care what they did to you. Well, I mean I care about you and I care what happens to you, but what they did is irrelevant to your happiness. You are the only one who captains your joy. You chart the course. You choose which sails to raise and lower. You choose when to tack and when to jibe. The other person may be the wind or the waves, but you are the captain of your ship. To allow yourself to accept otherwise is to perpetuate yourself as a victim.

You may not like hearing me say this, but on some level you know it’s true. And please remember what I wrote about last week. Just because you aren’t a victim doesn’t mean you’re to blame. It means you have the power to take responsibility for what comes next. 

The pitfall and the peril of categorizing everything into right and wrong is that the minute you make someone else wrong, you immediately make yourself a victim of their wrong doing. And as a victim, you’ve pretty much resigned your power. Which means your journey through the situation to happiness and joy is entirely dependent on that other person coming around and seeing things your way. 

Good luck with that. 

We can all only ever see things through our own lens of perspective. No matter how much empathy and compassion we have for another, no matter how similar our paths seem, we cannot see through the lens of their life experience. We didn’t live their life. We lived our own life. Expecting another person to admit they were wrong, understand your perspective and adjust themselves accordingly so that you are free to claim vindication, be right, and find your happiness all without having to make any adjustments, is a reflection of emotional immaturity and insecurity within you. 

I don’t say any of this to condemn you or criticize you. In fact, I’m saying it to myself as much as I’m saying it to everyone else. None of us have achieved such a high level of emotional maturity, self assurance, and well adjustedness as to never need this reminder. We all have something or someone who, no matter how well we have our shit together, will trigger the inner child tantrum if we’re not paying attention. 

But when we are able to acknowledge in the difficult moments that we are, in fact, in control of how we respond and how we move forward, we are fully in our personal power. We are not dependent on anything changing except that which we allow within ourselves, in order to find our happiness and joy.  

Think about that. Nothing has to change except your perspective of the situation, your beliefs about it, your inner dialogue relevant to it, and your attitude toward the others involved. 

What do all of those things have in common? Great question, I’m glad you asked! All of those things are within your personal ability to control. You don’t need anyone, any thing, or any circumstance in particular in order to do what needs to be done to find your own fucking peace. 

That is personal power. That is personal freedom. That is unconditional joy. That is unshakable happiness. That is sovereignty. 

Whenever we’re upset about something, if we’re not not actively trying to shift our perspective and figure out our role in our unhappiness, we’re complicit in our own misery. And I’ll say this again, because it bears repeating. This is not about accepting blame for someone else’s poor behavior, it’s not about blaming ourselves. It’s only and entirely about accepting responsibility for what happens next. For how we feel now, and for how we choose to feel moving forward. 

It’s about declaring out loud: 

“I know there is shit in the world. I know people make choices that suck and sometimes those choices impact me in a shitty way. And I also know I have a choice in how I choose to respond to the circumstances created by those shitty choices. I have a choice in whether or not I choose to see that person making shitty choices as a villain or someone making choices that I don’t care for. And I know that if I choose to see them as a villain or as wrong, it automatically makes me their victim. And FUCK being a victim!! FUCK THAT! I’m too special. I’m too important. I’m too valuable to be a victim. I’m too powerful. I’m too wonderful, and full of love and hope and joy to be a victim.”

You are not at the mercy of anybody. You are not at the mercy of any circumstances. You are powerful and capable beyond imagination. Your incredible gifts are needed to light up this world and help others see their own light. You don’t have time or energy to waste trying to change people or situations that have no intention of changing. You do, however, have everything you need to change your own perspective. Your own beliefs. Your own actions. Your own outlook, and the formidableness of your own faith.

In not so many words: You’re nobody's bitch. Stop acting like it. 

Blessings & beach days forever,

Katie