​​"I can think of no more profound purpose for a human being to have in this life than to be able to help those he loved learn to love unconditionally."

I know it's been a while since you've heard from me; 3 months to be exact. And it's not even that I haven't been writing, I have. But some ideas in my head have gotten in the way. Even though I had things to say and share with you, I felt like you'd criticize and reject me for not keeping up with what I said I'd do. I'm not saying they were rational ideas...

Nonetheless, I felt like there was no margin for error. No room to be human. No space to not do what I said I would do, regardless of the reasons why. And I almost quit this blog because of it.

But that goes against so much of what I believe deep down inside. I don't believe that we have to keep our word, no matter what. I think there's a much better way to cultivate the trust and consistency that is ultimately the reason behind why we place so much value on "keeping our word".

So I didn't quit my blog. I'm jumping back in 3 months later and trusting that those who need and value my words are here for it, not matter how inconsistent I am. And I'll share more with you about the 3 month gap in blog posts next week-ish... Today, I have something else to share.

Two weeks ago, my youngest son's father passed away. It was sudden and unexpected and left all of us with a gapping wound and no closure to be had.

My relationship with David was not always easy. Sometimes it was downright brutal. But not to acknowledge the value that our relationship brought to my life experience would be remiss. So I'd like to share the words I spoke at his funeral last week, with the hope that you'll find something of value in them for yourself.

Perhaps you have a challenging relationship in your life that you struggle to make peace with, and perhaps there's something in these words that will help.

"Did you read the obituary? It was lovely. It was a beautiful and accurate description of David. He was funny. And quick witted. He was mechanically inclined and great at fixing things. He was relentless in the pursuit of what he wanted. I’ve never known someone with so much tenacity. He waited 364 days every single year just for Thanksgiving. It was his favorite holiday, and he loved spending it with his family. And boy did he love his family. Especially Evan.

I remember, on the day Evan was born the nurse came to my room to have me fill out his birth certificate. David grinned from ear to ear when he learned that I planned to give our son his last name; Evan Robert Baxter. David assumed that since we weren’t married, Evan would take my name. Honestly, that never occurred to me. Evan was David’s pride and joy from the minute he found out I was pregnant. The only thing that made sense was for David’s son to carry his name on. You would have thought he won the lottery, having a son with his last name. In times like those, when he was full of hope and joy, David was so easy to love.

And, as is probably true for each of us in this room, there were times when it was quite difficult to love David. He could be impetuous and stubborn, self centered and reckless. He could be a bully. There were times when I could have knocked his front teeth right out of his head for the stupid choices he’d made.

Those challenging times - those times when I sobbed, when my rage toward him was at full throttle, when I felt like my world was crumbling around me, and I was at his fickle mercy, those times when I was scared for him, and scared for those of us who love him, those time when it felt most difficult to love David - were truly the greatest gift he ever gave me.

To know David was to witness him in incredible joy; joy so pure and so potent it was contagious. His excitement would sweep you up into a cloud of wonderful celebration and carry you around in it for what seemed like forever.

To know David was also to witness him in deep struggle; struggle so rooted in fear and insecurity that it was frightening at times.

The truth is, David brought a lot of challenges into my life. And, without a doubt, David gave me, and some others in this room who knew him, the ultimate gift. He gave us the opportunity to practice unconditional love. I can think of no more profound purpose for a human being to have in this life than to be able to help those he loved learn to love unconditionally.

And David was not always easy to love.

He sacrificed the flat, smooth, easy path through life, and instead went for the chaotic, rugged, challenging terrain. And in so doing, he required us to expand our capacity for forgiveness. He required us to redefine for ourselves what it means to be a “good” person, rather than what society tells us a good person should be. He did not show up on this earth to make it easy for us. And anyone who loved him, knew that.

I mean, it’s easy to love the people who never make waves, who never cause problems, or upset anyone. The predictable, reliable, easy going people are easy to love. And it’s nothing against them. My mom was one of those people. They just have a different purpose.

But David, as with all the things he endeavored to do, he came to this earth with a mission to challenge us to learn to love without condition, and he understood the assignment!

He may not have made it easy for us, but he definitely made it worth it. Sharing those moments of joy with David - hearing him laugh at himself after telling a VERY stupid Dad joke, seeing the pride on his face as Evan slammed some unsuspecting offensive lineman down to the ground during a football game, feeling my heart soften towards him knowing that he took a bus halfway across the state just to watch his son practice football for 2 hours, and then giggling and rolling our eyes at him through the phone in the car on our way home, as he tells Evan for the 4 billionth time to get into his 3 point stance because that’s where his power is.

If David could hear me right now, and I believe that he can, I would like him to know that while he tested my patience, and he hurt me and people I love very deeply, and he made it very hard to bring him into the fold sometimes, he was one of my greatest teachers. He required me to cultivate levels of integrity, self-awareness, strength, perseverance, faith, empathy, compassion, boundaries, forgiveness and unconditional love that I never could have found within myself otherwise. I am a better mother, sister, daughter, friend, a better woman for having known David these past 18 years. I will be forever grateful to him for the joys and challenges he gave me. I love you, David, and I always will."

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Blessings and beach days forever,

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Katie