Week 5 - 49 years & 1 month
Today I thought about drinking my kombucha out of a wine glass, just because it felt decadent and luxe. I like decadence and fancy, sometimes. I like doing things for myself that feel luxurious and special. It reminds me that I’m a complex and multifaceted woman. But it took me 10 minutes to decide between using the wine glass and drinking the kombucha straight out of the bottle.
Why though? Why did I give 10 minutes of my life that I’ll never get back, to a decision about which vessel I would ingest my fermented tea from?
Because making decisions can feel fucking hard.
My inner dialogue sounded like a 5 year old arguing for candy in the checkout line at the grocery store: I should use one of the new wine glasses I got for Christmas. A wine glass is so extra, Katie. So what? It’s fun. I have them, why not use them? You’re clumsy. What if you break it? Then you won’t have it anymore. I can be careful. You say that now, but shit happens. What if the cat knocks it over?
And round and round I went for 10 minutes. For what it’s worth, my inner 5 year old won. I used a wine glass. I didn’t break it. And I enjoyed my kombucha even more out of the fancy glass. Life is too short to be so practical.
So if it takes me that long to decide to allow myself a little decadence with my kombucha, how long might it take me to make more consequential or complex decisions?
Ugh… the agony of making decisions! What should I do? When should I do it? Where should I go? How long should I stay there? Which one should I choose? How many do I need? Should I say yes? Should I say no?
So many choices. So many variables. And we can’t forget the ultimate decision fucker upper - What if I make the wrong choice?
We can drag out the decision making process for hours, days, weeks, months, even years. Indecision can hang over us like a cloud blocking out the sun on a beach day. And the longer we hesitate to make decisions, the harder they get. Have you noticed that?
I’ve wasted so much time on indecision. Worried that I’d choose wrong. Worried that people would judge me if I chose the thing I wanted instead of making the sensible choice or the safe choice. Worried that I’d be rejected if I didn’t choose the thing that everyone else was choosing.
Over the last 49 years, I’ve made more decisions that were in the interest of what I believed other people wanted or expected from me, rather than what I truly wanted for myself or knew to be in my best interest. And ultimately, even those decisions that I tried to carefully curate to please others backfired. Either the others weren’t pleased by my choice, or I was miserable.
I had a conversation with my son tonight about a decision he’s been considering for a while now. From my perspective, here on the edge of 50, it’s an easy choice. Just do the damn thing. But I have a lot of years and experience that he doesn’t have yet. And I got my experience from hemming and hawing over decisions for many, many years. It’s important that I don’t rob him of accumulating his own experiences by trying to tell him what to do based on my perspective. He’ll choose what he chooses and he’ll travel his path and he’ll glean from it exactly what he’s meant to.
As a mom it can be challenging to watch my child struggle with something that I can see so clearly. But his wins need to be his, and his losses need to be his, and that means his choices need to be his.
But throughout the course of our conversation we were able to uncover some things that I found interesting and really want to share with you. These are things I definitely wish I had known sooner.
One of the things that has consistently come up for me as a barrier to making decisions, is the financial ramifications. If I choose ABC will I compromise my financial situation? Will I be able to afford it long term? Am I being foolish with my money?
I call these questions that get us stuck and unable to make a decision, Dilemma Questions. After grappling with them for a while, they can make the stakes seem like life or death.
Maybe your Dilemma Questions aren’t financial. Maybe you’re worried about what people will think of you if you decide to move your elderly parents into a nursing home because caring for them while they live in their own home has deteriorated your mental health and the quality of your own household to the point of being toxic.
Maybe you’re worried that your children will hate you if you divorce your spouse who is a wonderful person, but absolutely no longer the right person for you. Maybe you’re worried that quitting your job and running away to join the circus is impulsive and ridiculous, and everyone you know will criticize your decision. (I know you’re giggling about joining the circus, but we’ve all thought about it!)
I think these are valid questions. I also think these questions can get us caught in an infinity loop. As we try to reason our way through them, and weigh the pros and cons, we are often missing the gold nugget of insight that the questions themselves provide.
Firstly, I want to say that at some point, especially when we’re on the edge of 50, we need to stop making decisions based on what other people think, no matter how scary that feels. Yes, people will get their panties in a bunch when you do things they don't agree with, but it’s up to them to unbunch their own panties, not you.
That said, these dilemma questions are pure gold when we turn our kaleidoscope and look at them differently.
In my son’s case it was a financial dilemma. Something to the effect of ‘If I do X, which I really want to do and have been talking about for years, I feel like I’ll be compromising my financial security.’
What I heard when he said this was “I’m worried about my financial security”. I could see that this is an underlying concern he has in general about money. This makes perfect sense because he grew up in the midst of financial insecurity at home most of his life, and his generation has inherited an actual cluster fuck of an economy.
But what he was doing was tying the underlying financial worry to the decision around choosing X, and then using that financial worry as an excuse not to choose what he truly wanted to choose.
In other words, he could choose to do X or not do X, and he’ll still have the concern about financial security. We can replace X with anything, even the exact opposite of X, and his subconscious would still find a way to tie the decision to financial security.
That’s the gold in the Dilemma Question. The awareness that we can extract from the dilemma lets us work through the underlying issue separate from the decision we’re trying to make.
Sidebar from the edge of 50: The fear at the heart of these dilemma questions will also present itself in the form of recurring problems or situations. They may have different players, different locations, or different circumstances, but the essence is always the same.
Now, my son can see that worrying about financial insecurity isn’t something to base his decision on. He can work on his beliefs around money and financial security separate from his decision to do X. That makes deciding to go ahead and follow his dream a much easier decision.
It’s not the belief that X will create financial insecurity, it’s that financial insecurity is an underlying fear in his life in general, and he was using that fear as an excuse to delay his decision to do X.
Realizing that being stuck in that infinity loop of indecision and dilemma questions means that there is an underlying fear which is not tied to our decision but is only being highlighted by it, gives us the awareness we need to address the underlying issue. Over time, that underlying issue becomes less and less of a factor in our decision making process, until one day it’s nothing more than a brief awareness.
Honestly, I find this awareness so much more important now that I’m in the 2nd half of my life. I think this is a good awareness/strategy for decision making in general, but I find it to be imperative when considering decisions around soul filling ideas. I spent the first half of my life trying to make decisions based on what was practical, or how others would react, or what others expected me to do. I didn’t always do a good job of this, but that’s where my focus was.
Now, I don’t want to decide in favor of anything that isn't specifically and directly in support of the pursuit of my passions.
I don’t know for sure, but I’m willing to bet that you’ve put off some passion pursuits of your own in favor of doing what you thought was practical or expected of you. And I hope you’re ready now to just follow your bliss!
I also want to talk about doubt here. Doubt is a tricky little bastard, isn’t it? It creeps in and presents itself as a reputable, upstanding member of the Inner Thoughts Community, but it’s not. Not really.
In the beginning of the decision making process, it can present itself as those Dilemma Questions. But doubt will often creep in after the decision has been made. And then panic ensues.
Oh my god! Did I do the right thing? Can I really pull this off? Am I being selfish? What was I thinking? What will people think of me? I don’t know what I’m doing. Am I even qualified for this? Am I batshit crazy? And the list goes on…
The thing about doubt though, is that we almost always give it way more credibility than it deserves. Doubt is not that important, and it’s not that big of a deal. I think doubt does serve a purpose, but it’s not the purpose that most of us give it.
I think a very common reaction to doubt is to assume it’s some sort of inner guidance, intuition or the universe trying to warn us. I think this is horseshit. For one, inner guidance, intuition, or signs from the universe are not emotional. There is no emotion, positive or negative when your intuition is kicking in. It’s very matter of fact. It’s a deep knowing that is neither surprising nor exciting. There’s no panic and there’s no fear when it’s truly your intuition.
If doubt is causing you to panic, it’s not a sign from the universe. It’s not a signal to second guess yourself. It’s not your intuition screaming at you that you fucked it all up. Once more for the folks in the back - intuition doesn't scream.
What doubt is, I believe, is your subconscious or inner being giving you the opportunity to build and strengthen your confidence.
Ok, so maybe doubt is important! But not because we need to give credence to the doubt itself. Instead, doubt is important because it gives us the opportunity to work through it, and strengthen our decision making skills as well as our trust and confidence in ourselves.
We can acknowledge our doubts and fears, and also understand that they don’t mean we made a wrong choice. They only mean we have some unresolved, unhelpful beliefs that are slowing us down and causing confusion and chaos in our minds.
What’s more, doubts remind us to back ourselves and stay true to our decision, even in the face of our own fears and doubts, as well as those of the people around us. No one knows what’s best for you better than you do, regardless of how much knowledge they have.
Well meaning people will tell you you’re insane for joining the circus, and you will probably question your own sanity, too. But at the end of the day, if you know in your heart that you are meant to be a clown under the big top, with rainbow colored hair and a squeaky, purple nose, then be willing to stand up to the doubt, whether it’s your own or someone else’s.Be willing to acknowledge that you’re scared. Of course you’re scared, you’ve never done anything like this before, and you have no idea if those giant red clown shoes will fit you right. This is unfamiliar, and the unfamiliar is always scary until it becomes familiar. The unfamiliar is always uncomfortable. But growth happens in the discomfort, doesn’t it?
We need to start seeing the doubt and discomfort of things that are unfamiliar as the normal, natural beginning phase of anything new.
And we need to be willing to back ourselves. We need to be willing to say, “this is the choice I made and I’m confident in my choice because I’m confident in my ability to manage any outcome. I’m confident in my ability to know when it’s time to pivot and change course.
Pivoting and deciding to change course as circumstances change, is not the same thing as making a decision, doubting yourself, and then quitting before your decision has even had a chance to produce fruit.
The thing I’ve found most helpful in making decisions that turn out the way I want them to or even better, is to make the decision and then decide that it was the right decision. And then commit to the idea that it was the right decision no matter what the situation looks like initially. I will keep reminding myself over and over that I made the right decision, no matter how many times I experience doubt or panic.
There will always be an opportunity to pivot or change course as the circumstances change. And if you’ve made a decision and stuck with it, the circumstances will inevitably change. That’s why you made the decision in the first place, isn’t it? To change the circumstances?
But give the decision a chance to take hold before you squash it with your doubt. Believing that you made the right choice is the most powerful predictor of having the outcomes you desire. (I don’t have empirical data to back up that statement, but I know in my gut that it is!) Trust yourself. Believe in yourself. Use your Dilemma Questions and your doubts to guide you to the inner work you need to do.
Doubt brings chaos. Trust brings clarity.
And last but not least, we’re too fucking wise out here on the edge of 50 to be holding back and not doing the things we want to do.
For the love of all things salty… Do. The. Damn. Things.
Do the things that light you up. Say no to the things that don’t. Stop being afraid to leave the shore in pursuit of your passions. You can go to the beach and walk up and down the shore, over every inch of sand until it’s as familiar as an old pair of slippers, but you’ll never get to Spain unless you leave the beach and cross the ocean.
When you find yourself at the crossroads, and in need of making a decision, I hope you’ll remember how much actual power you have in your own hands, and not be so quick to hand it over to indecision, fears, and doubt. I hope you’ll lean into your fears and doubts, and let them guide you to clarity rather than second guessing yourself.
Blessings & Beach Days Forever,
Katie