Week 7 - 49 years 6 Weeks
A male friend of mine once said to me “women say they want a man who’s willing to be vulnerable, but when it comes down to it, they don’t.
He was right but not the way he thought he was.
I believe that women do not, under any circumstances, want a man who is vulnerable. But I think the nuance here comes in the definition of the word ‘vulnerable’ that we’re using.
When he said women don’t want a vulnerable man, he was referring to a man who cries and talks about his feelings. When I say women don’t want a vulnerable man, I mean a man who is vulnerable to threats. I mean a man who isn’t willing or doesn’t know how to stand up for himself, for what he believes in, and for what he wants.
To me, a man who isn't willing to fight for what matters to him is lacking something crucial. How can he provide for me if he isn't willing to kill a bear? How can he protect me and my children, if he isn’t willing to stab a burglar? I get that those are quite primal examples, but they make my point.
To put a bit of a finer point on it, a vulnerable man is easily manipulated. He’s easily pushed around, and to me that means he hasn’t got a strong foundation of values and ideals. He doesn’t have a clear sense of who he is, as well as who he is becoming. He hasn’t developed the leadership skills to be the head of the household. He isn’t in control.
And let’s talk about control. I definitely want a man who is in control. You can decide for yourself if that control gets extreme in the bedroom or not. ;) To each his own, and consent always!! But what I’m talking about is control around making choices and decisions.
Let’s not confuse this with ‘Being Controlling”. Taking control over situations and making choices and decisions on behalf of me, as his woman and our family as a unit, is not even in the same hemisphere as being controlling.
The need to control others’ behavior is a symptom of insecurity, in both men and women. Some of you are squirming because you ladies like to be IN CONTROL. It’s alright. Stay with me. I think you’ll appreciate where this is going.
A man (or woman) who needs to control their partner or kids, or the circumstances of their own life, does so from a place of insecurity. I know I’m over simplifying the psychology of it all here, but I feel like it’s fairly common knowledge that those seeking to control do so because of insecurity.
I’m not criticizing insecurity. It’s something we ALL experience sometimes. It’s normal and natural and nothing to be ashamed of. Today, I asked a friend to come with me to do an errand that is simple and straightforward, but for me brings up a lot of insecurity. I told her plainly that I would just rather not go by myself. I’m intimidated. She agreed and we made plans to do the damn thing.
It’s ok to feel insecurity. Had she not been able to go, I had a plan to ask someone else. If they, too, couldn’t go, I would have gone by myself. But I don’t have to, because I let myself be vulnerable, feel insecure, and ask for help.
Sounds contradictory to what I've been saying about not being vulnerable, or at least maybe it sounds sexist, as if men can’t be vulnerable but women can. And that’s not where I’m going with this either.
I’m getting off on a tangent. Let’s focus! #ADHDBaby
Back to control. Taking control is not the same as trying to control other people, or situations. And for us women, that can look like trying to micromanage everyone around us, trying to plan and prepare for every possible scenario, trying to make sure those we love always have the best of everything no matter how much it costs, or trying to protect our kids from any harm, even hurt feelings and rejection. Hello participation trophy…
So a man who is in control (not being controlling), is one who knows the people he is responsible for so well that he can make decisions in their best interest, even when they can’t. He can make decisions that benefit the family as a whole, not just cater to one person's whim. He can do this even when one person may be hurt by a decision that strengthens the family as a whole, knowing that the family unit is greater than the sum of its parts.
This is especially important in relationships between men and women, because women are in their power when they feel safe and supported, and are free to be creative, flowing, nurturing, wise, and experience the full spectrum of emotions that we’re blessed with.
When a man can step in and make decisions that a woman knows she can trust, even if she doesn't understand them at the moment, it takes a huge burden and mental load off of her. When she can use her natural gifts and talents to nurture, create, tend to things, foster connections, and myriad other feminine energy activities, she can provide her family, including her man, with a loving home that he is willing and proud to fight for.
But what happens more often than not? Women are in charge and men go with the flow. Not exactly like that, because we still live in a wholly patriarchal society. In fact, it’s my opinion that women trying to take back their power, regardless of the circumstances, end up exhausted and unsatisfied because what they’re actually trying to do is be powerful the way that men are. But women’s power and men’s power are polar opposite, and that’s a good thing!! Opposites attract. We need polarity in our romantic/sexual relationships to keep the attraction strong.
But what often happens? A woman ends up taking over the lion’s share of the mental load in the family. She’s got the kids covered, the bills, the house, the shopping, the plans, the vacations, and often her own job. While her man goes to work and asks her what needs to be done so he can feel helpful.
Over time, a man feels emasculated and a woman feels resentful.
And what then of single mom’s? (Or single dad’s but my experience is as a mom, so I’m gonna stay in my lane.) I don’t believe that women were ever intended to raise kids alone. And I think we do our kids a disservice when we try. I’m going to take it a step further and I may ruffle a feather or two here, but I’m going to put it out there. I don’t believe that women can raise boys to be men.
Before you dust off your pitchfork and come for me, hear me out. I am a single mom. I have 4 children; 3 boys and 1 girl. And I think my children have grown into some of the most amazing human beings I’ll ever have the pleasure to know. But that happened in spite of me being a single mom, not because of it. They missed out on a lot because I was so exhausted and emotionally unavailable, that I didn’t have anything left to give them.
And you know what, that’s ok. They all have therapists who will be able to pay their student loans for one more month. We all have our own journey, and my kids’ journey includes the challenge of growing up as a kid with a single mom.
Two of my 3 boys are adults living on their own now. And they are men. But they didn’t learn to be men from me. They had men in their lives who they were able to connect with, learn from, emulate. They’ve had men in their lives who they were able to look at say, “Yeah no. I’ll never be like him.” They’ve had teachers and family members and friends’ parents who were role models. And I’m so grateful they did.
I can tell them all kinds of things about what a man is supposed to be, but at the end of the day, words don’t teach. Experience teaches. Kids watch and learn, they don’t listen and learn. I am not a man, therefore they cannot watch me and see what a man is supposed to be.
Nonetheless, they are figuring it out. And now that I’m 14 years into raising my last son, I’ve learned a lot about how I can support his journey to manhood. I’ve learned to let him take control in our home, as often as possible. I give him space to lead, not just me but decisions that need to be made about our household. We talk about bills, money, income, home maintenance, and everything else under the sun.
As I’m writing this, he’s out in the woods collecting wood to dry out in the basement so we can make a fire in the fire pit this weekend. It was his idea. It was also his idea to make chicken for dinner, and he insisted on preparing it. [See the photo above for the finished product!] It’s my job to make sure he’s safe while having the ability to figure things out and make mistakes. He gets to do what he wants most of the time because he’s been allowed to take charge of his life in many ways.
Yesterday, he ruined a piece of salmon that he wanted to cook for himself. I wasn’t hungry so I told him dinner was up to him. He made a critical error defrosting it, and ruined one of the two pieces of salmon he planned to eat. He only ate one piece, but he said it was delicious! He learned something, and next time he’ll have two delicious pieces of salmon.
Sidebar from The Edge of 50: My 14 year old has been homeschooled for the last 4 school years, and has chosen to go back to public school for 9th grade in the fall. MANY people have expressed concern, both directly to me and in talking amongst themselves, that perhaps my son wasn’t being properly educated as a homeschool student. I submit that the level of self awareness and self confidence he has developed over the last 4 years, is infinitely more valuable than any academics he may have missed out on. When he struggles in school next fall, which he definitely will, he knows it’s not a reflection of his worth as a person. He knows how and is not afraid to ask for help. He is very comfortable sucking at things, and persevering until he gets good at them. He knows nothing is insurmountable. And I don’t care what anyone thinks, having that level of self assurance at any age is incredible.
It may sound from this post that I have certain beliefs about heterosexuality and traditional gender roles. That’s not the case. I deeply believe in every person's, not just right, but soul obligation to express themselves and their love in any way they see fit. I do not know what is in anyone’s heart or loins but my own. And I certainly do not know what’s best or right for anyone but myself. As human beings, with free will and agency, we need to support each other making the choices for ourselves that are right for us. Period. No one knows what’s best for another, only for themself. I am a heterosexual woman and I write about my personal experiences, hence women and men.
I wanted to talk about vulnerability and control because I think it’s gotten all mixed up. I don’t know how it happened, and I honestly don’t care. I just know that I’d love to see the women I care about, understand their femininity better, and express it more freely. And I’d love to see the men I care about taking a stand for their masculinity and regaining the healthy control that they could be wielding.
A vulnerable man is one who is not in control. He hasn’t invested the time nor the energy to understand his people and be able to make decisions for them that support them being their best self. He is also not in control of his emotions. He loses it when he gets upset.
Let me be clear here, I’m not suggesting that men shouldn’t cry or get angry, feel scared or share their emotions. I’m saying that when they do those things, they maintain control and don’t scare the shit out of the women and children who love them. I’m also not saying that men can’t make mistakes and mess up. But when they do, they own it. They apologize. And they commit to a plan for doing better next time.
It’s not about being controlling. It’s about creating a space where everyone can flourish and grow and express themselves. It’s not about taking away anyone’s agency. It’s about making sure that those in his charge feel safe, and have a solid foundation from which to expand.
I know that for a blog for women, this post is very ‘men’ focused. But I think that healthy men and healthy women go hand in hand. And healthy boys need healthy men in their lives to grow up to be healthy men themselves. And healthy girls need healthy men in their lives, too, so that they know what to look for in a man. And both boys and girls need healthy men and women in their lives so that they know what healthy relationships look like.
Notice I said HEALTHY, not perfect. Mistakes are welcome opportunities to learn. And if you’re a single mom like me, don’t worry. We’re not fucked. We just need to look for opportunities to support each other and let our boys practice being men, and our girls practice being women.
Blessings and beach days forever,
Katie